Monday, July 25, 2011

Now For The Busy Part Of Our Lives

Here is the 2nd promised blog.

We put a contract down on a house!!

Perfect right? Yes and no. We did put a contract down, which was returned at lightening speed as accepted. Which is good and bad. Good in because, yippee a house, bad as now half of the house is packed up and I am as tense as a rod of bamboo. And all in all I have taken it out I believe on one person. My husband John. Sorry honey. So yes over the last week I have felt I have been a particularly bad wife.

But now we are waiting for the old owners to approve a 2nd contract, they had things they needed to fix before we get the house appraised and if we don't get the house appraised for the correct amount the bank will not approve what we need to get the house and we will have to start looking all over again and our apartment is already 1/2 packed seen the conundrum we are in.

Kind of blows.

School starts in 4 weeks for me which I think I am nervous about as well. And the internship I hope goes well. My somewhat immediate job future kind of depends on it a bit. But again it doesn't. It's all weird and complicated. John's job also said that some of his department might get cut, but we won't know anything I think for another week or so. Which again ties into so much right now. The house and John having to find work again (Which I know he will, he is brilliant and hard working. A great combo.) Plus I do not want John to stress out about all of this. He carries so much already on his shoulders and feels like he doesn't need to worry me as well by all of it. He's a superhero without the tights and mask. My superhero.

But I guess I just don't care for all the "maybe" aspects of my life right now. I am a high strung individual who needs routine and stability to feel calm. And all of that is up in the air or packed away already in a box, I'm not sure which. Which kind of sucks because I never imagined myself as this kind of an adult. Funny and depressing how things kind of work out.

But I have to calm down, breathe and take John's hand in mine and know we will always be alright in the end as long as we remember each other. As I have told him many times, we don't break that easily.

Regret Is An Attainable Thing

I know I haven't blogged in a while ( A LOT going on) so I will be doing 2 entries today. This first one is one I need to get out.

There are a lot of things that are hard to come by in life. A great job, a true love, toned abs and a huge bank account. I so far have one of those things (true love) and am working on the bank account and job thing. Abs I will doubt be something I will attain and keep. But the one thing any human come come easily to is regret. I have been able to attain regret a lot lately. It seems to always be lurking around the corner, behind a decision and deep within me. Hiding somewhere I think behind my spleen and or kidneys. I think I resolve it, but then open my big mouth and say or act in a way that shows it is not completely gone.

As anyone who knows me I have a great husband, John, a man who saw beyond family issues and personal hangups to somehow become exactly what I needed and wanted in my life. He is amazing. You will never meet a kinder, smarter person than John. But I think I am making him doubt himself as a husband. I say this in the fact that we will have a tiff or if I become angry at him for some reason, he goes above and beyond to accommodate me or make me feel better. A lot of people might say this is great and why I am complaining. The thing is I don't want him to feel like he...

This is all very hard to figure out how I want to put it into words....

I don't want him to feel like he has to make up or fix any of this when it is my issue. I feel like I am breaking something inside of our marriage when I act like this. I don't say what I really want or think because I feel like I am being a nag or too needy or too picky. And I don't want to be a burden or make John do what I want to do against what he wants to really do and so then I get mad because...I just do. And then I act like a total bitchy ball n' chain asshole in front of people and to John (which is never, never, never acceptable). I always swore I would always treat John with respect and never make him feel belittled or less as a husband than what he is. Which is a spectacular husband. A spectacular friend.

So yes, these are my issues and I need to find a way to resolve them and keep them from interfering in my marriage. I feel when I look at myself I do not see joy. Not in the way I am running my life right now. Not the way I am running myself right now. I have forgotten how to go along with the flow of life I think.

So John this blog went out to you as a very, very, very sincere apology and a promise to make myself show you how much I do love you and to take a deep, deep breathe before I let myself forget what you really mean to me and to remember that you have always been and will remain there for me.

Monday, July 11, 2011

This blog does not even have a working title.

Okay, so other than me getting my internship nothing has happened in my or our lives. But with the intership, which is the last one I need for my degree, I was saving it for my last semester so that maybe a job offer might be made and I could jump right into the workplace. That is what I am hoping for, but who knows. But I got the internship so II do not have to worry about it for at least a month.

But other than that nothing else has really gone on. No more fighting between me and John about house hunting, but that is because we haven't had time to go out and look. But again hopefully it will not come to that. I just don't know though. It just seems as if that is the one thing that we cannot see eye to eye on.

But yes nothing else has come up. And I don't know if I should be happy about that or not. I want my life to be more exciting, but I say all the time I don't have time to do all I want to do. So should I shut up or find something to do? A hobby? Hell no not another what? I feel like there is no room in our place for me to even consider a hobby. I get after John all the time for leaving his brewing and armor gear all over. So there is no way I can bring in more stuff to take up what little room we already do not have. Maybe when we get a house, I will feel like it's time for a hobby.

So sorry world, this has turned out to be the most boring blog in the world. Ever!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The adventures of feeling blahhhhish.

So the house at Cole is out. The possibility that every time it rains is like taking a gamble on it maybe not flooding this time and maybe next time it will. Just can't deal with that. I am still really heartbroken though every time I think about those beautiful bathrooms and how every damn thing...every damn thing was new!! All I can say is if I keep this blog up, you will see tons of posting of how pissed at John I am because I can't get him to paint or buy anything new for the house. Those blogs will come I can guarantee it.

So we are back on hunt. We will be in a house this year. I know it, John has said so and I know we can do it. But I just want it to be done. I know I am only 30, but it feels like so much of my life has been spent trying to get there or here. And I just want it to already be done with. I just want to be able to feel like I've "arrived", that I finally get to just enjoy myself and...well I just feel like I am in a sucky kind of place right now.

But I did get the 2nd required internship for my degree today. It's a production assistant internship, so it's different than the one before. I will have another notch to my resume when I graduate in the fall. Plus I am making some good contacts within Emmis so maybe I will be able to get a job a little bit easier after all is said and done.

But I still feel like I am in a real sucky place. Maybe I am just in a mood and I need to eat and then go exercise a bit. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Blah. Blah.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Fighting is never something that wants to be done, but I think it is something that sometimes needs to be done

I promised I would blog about this. Not because I think it will enlighten or help anyone else avoid my pitfalls, but because I kept facebooking my feelings last night and that kept everyone wondering what the hell was going on with me and john.

Well first things first, we are okay. We completely talked everything out last night and neither one of us went to bed angry or hurt last night. That is always always important to never go to bed angry. Because if you do, resentment builds that you didn't try to fix it and you resent your spouse for not trying to fix it. So we try to never let that happen. I think even if you have to wake your spouse back up or if you even have to start the fight up again, something needs to happen so that you reach a resolve. And that John is the best man I know and I could not have asked for a better friend that I also can call my husband.

So this is how it all started: we started house hunting again. Saturday went great, no houses, but we both were on the same page about each one of the ones we looked at. At the end of the day John even thanked me for the consideration on his feelings, which was nice. I was glad I had not lost my head and fluttered about saying "we can do this, why don't you like that?" and blahblahblah. He felt great that neither one of us were ignoring how the other felt in order to get our way.

Which is one of the reasons I felt so shitty about how yesterday went.

So we went and looked at 4 houses, 1 we both liked and thought to keep in mind and 2 we both didn't and so we walked out. And 1...well I loved loved loved it. And John said he just didn't get the feeling of it being the "one". Which got me riled up. Riled up in the aspect that I just didn't understand why. That John was being difficult and not really looking at the house for it's true value. I even said to him that I wish in this one aspect I could push him into my way of thinking and just tell him that "no this is the one, we are putting a contract on it and..." and also that I was thinking "why can't he just give me one just this one time?"

So let me tell you about the house. It was a rehab. A 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. Separate living room and family room (it had the kitchen in between). It had a unfinished basement and a huge tree lined backyard. It is 129,900.00 (I kept telling everyone last night it was 120,000.00). The thing is with it being a rehab, we have seen awful ones, totally half-assed and creepy ones. This one...this one was beautiful. From the front door to the bathrooms. This place was immaculate and so well done it was amazing. I am serious, the only thing we have to do at all is repaint the three bedrooms (they were all a light yellow). So in having lived in own town home for 7 years and finding it is impossible to make John buy anything we've needed or wanted in order to spruce the place up unless I buy it for myself, I thought "yes...somewhere where we don't have to do a damn thing! I won't have to ask John for hardly anything and he'll appreciate that!".

So yes I thought this is the one, this is it, it was perfect. But John did not. And I was confused. He has given me a list of what he would like in our house: 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a full basement, huge backyard, a nice kitchen, a fireplace in the living room. So this house had every single one of these things. Every single one. And with every freaking thing in this house being new, every single damn thing, it was a cherry on top of the sundae. But he didn't think so and again I did not get it. And so the anger started to brew. And then as we were leaving, Gaye (Our agent) started to notice sporadic houses in the neighborhood going through garbage on their front lawns. Flood damaged stuff. Most likely from their basements. And then they both started talking how this house must be a flooder. And I thought "great John wins", now he has a reason to shoot me down and just not using the "feeling" aspect of it all. And that made me even angrier.

So we got home and the point of breaking soon happened. The thing is I feel like every big decision in my life is being put on hold and not by me. I don't decide when we have a house or when we have a baby. It's when John feels it is time. And I don't get a say in any of it. I have felt this way for a long time. And I never told John. That is my fault. I do take blame for that. I thought if I shared that any of this I was being selfish and a nag. That I would be putting undue pressure on John and then he would worry he wasn't being a good husband. Which he is and always has been. But with trying to make sure we have the best lives for us and our future children, I think we have ignored what is supposed to happening now. What we need now. I went off on how what I felt and was thinking never mattered. Because I really thought and felt this was how it had been. That John didn't trust me enough when I said that I knew this was the house for us. So that he should from now on just go house hunting without me and I will move in and deal with it.

And then a few hours later after a meal break, small naps on both sides and a wine break (I was the one drinking the wine and it was only a glass and a half) we started back up and that was when I got back on how I feel absolutely powerless in the main decisions in my life. How I hate being powerless and that is all I feel lately. So that made John start crying again and I cried again. And we both apologized for our mistakes. Mine again for not telling him and John for not seeing it and making me feel like this. And I began telling him about the house (yes the house) and why I thought it was perfect for us. Seriously and then how he had dismissed it without any real hard consideration. I asked him then to rethink it all and he said he would. I told him without knowing for sure about the flooding that we shouldn't walk away from it. We could maintain the lifestyle we have now, it's close to where we live now, everything is new in the house and it is move in ready and it is way below what we were looking for price wise. But in my anger I think I was feeling as he was dismissing the house he was dismissing me as well.

But after all this came up last night and we finally stopped crying I realized my anger had gone away and I finally felt better. And so did John. And we finally slept. Sound and deep. John had a dream that was a bit sad and he is still today a bit close to tears now and then. And so am I when I look at him. But today there is almost a fresh air blowing.

So we are going to wait to see what Gaye says about the flooding and if it is a flooder, we walk. If it is not, we take a 2nd look and see what happens. And really that was all I was asking for. Not to be dismissed or thought to be just over excitable. That's all. And today again there is a feeling of freedom. So much was said that has been needed to be said and there is an understanding that wasn't there yesterday.

So again, even if you have to start fighting again, I am glad neither one of us went to bed angry. And today we woke up realizing how lucky we really are.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Found money is the greatest thing ever...losing a $20 unfathomable

So yes I lost a $20 today and I became so pissed at myself. I think it was at the Starbucks in Des Peres. So if you found a $20 there, it is mine. And I want it back!!

So yesterday me, john, Eli, Mary and Robert- john's sister and brother in-law and Kayleigh, their daughter, all went to the Magic House and then to lunch. It was awesome. So much to see and do. And Eli behaved so excellently. No crying or fussing. The only time was when we a little bit overdue for lunch and a little in need for a nap.

But overall it was a great afternoon and it was great to hang out with Mary, Robert and Kayleigh. It gave me a bit of a taste on what it will one day be kind of like when we have our own kid.

But man was I exhausted, it's got to be my old age. Yikes. What will next year be like? I might have to put myself into an old age home.

But tomorrow I have the day off and we are going to go house hunting and all of our choices look great. So I am excited about it all. But I also have Sunday off and we might go look at 4 more. I don't know. But all I know is that I finally have a weekend in whilc I did not have to sign up and take off for. And no family, work or other obligations have come into play. So I am kind of looking forward to it without worrying about where I have to be and when I have to be there.

So Wednesday I have an interview (Thanks Jason Church!) for an internship as a production assistant at "The Point". I have not taken any real production classes yet (will be in the fall) and so I am going in kind of clueless but the gentlemen knows this and I told him I am willing to learn on my feet and this seems to be good enough for him. So I am excited, nervous and grateful for this chance. Plus it will give me experience that I will be able to use in the classroom, another "in" at Emmis and another chance to see all the great people and friends I made when I worked at Emmis back in '09.

So I am trying not to chew on my nails and keep my complexion clear and stress free. Awwww. Oh and I reserved the weekend for the 15th and 16th in October. But now I might have to change it due to a visit from the best uncles in the whole universe! So yes I will gladly change the dates around to make sure we get quality time with Uncle Mike and Bill. As I said, they are honestly the greatest uncles in the world.