I promised I would blog about this. Not because I think it will enlighten or help anyone else avoid my pitfalls, but because I kept facebooking my feelings last night and that kept everyone wondering what the hell was going on with me and john.
Well first things first, we are okay. We completely talked everything out last night and neither one of us went to bed angry or hurt last night. That is always always important to never go to bed angry. Because if you do, resentment builds that you didn't try to fix it and you resent your spouse for not trying to fix it. So we try to never let that happen. I think even if you have to wake your spouse back up or if you even have to start the fight up again, something needs to happen so that you reach a resolve. And that John is the best man I know and I could not have asked for a better friend that I also can call my husband.
So this is how it all started: we started house hunting again. Saturday went great, no houses, but we both were on the same page about each one of the ones we looked at. At the end of the day John even thanked me for the consideration on his feelings, which was nice. I was glad I had not lost my head and fluttered about saying "we can do this, why don't you like that?" and blahblahblah. He felt great that neither one of us were ignoring how the other felt in order to get our way.
Which is one of the reasons I felt so shitty about how yesterday went.
So we went and looked at 4 houses, 1 we both liked and thought to keep in mind and 2 we both didn't and so we walked out. And 1...well I loved loved loved it. And John said he just didn't get the feeling of it being the "one". Which got me riled up. Riled up in the aspect that I just didn't understand why. That John was being difficult and not really looking at the house for it's true value. I even said to him that I wish in this one aspect I could push him into my way of thinking and just tell him that "no this is the one, we are putting a contract on it and..." and also that I was thinking "why can't he just give me one just this one time?"
So let me tell you about the house. It was a rehab. A 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. Separate living room and family room (it had the kitchen in between). It had a unfinished basement and a huge tree lined backyard. It is 129,900.00 (I kept telling everyone last night it was 120,000.00). The thing is with it being a rehab, we have seen awful ones, totally half-assed and creepy ones. This one...this one was beautiful. From the front door to the bathrooms. This place was immaculate and so well done it was amazing. I am serious, the only thing we have to do at all is repaint the three bedrooms (they were all a light yellow). So in having lived in own town home for 7 years and finding it is impossible to make John buy anything we've needed or wanted in order to spruce the place up unless I buy it for myself, I thought "yes...somewhere where we don't have to do a damn thing! I won't have to ask John for hardly anything and he'll appreciate that!".
So yes I thought this is the one, this is it, it was perfect. But John did not. And I was confused. He has given me a list of what he would like in our house: 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a full basement, huge backyard, a nice kitchen, a fireplace in the living room. So this house had every single one of these things. Every single one. And with every freaking thing in this house being new, every single damn thing, it was a cherry on top of the sundae. But he didn't think so and again I did not get it. And so the anger started to brew. And then as we were leaving, Gaye (Our agent) started to notice sporadic houses in the neighborhood going through garbage on their front lawns. Flood damaged stuff. Most likely from their basements. And then they both started talking how this house must be a flooder. And I thought "great John wins", now he has a reason to shoot me down and just not using the "feeling" aspect of it all. And that made me even angrier.
So we got home and the point of breaking soon happened. The thing is I feel like every big decision in my life is being put on hold and not by me. I don't decide when we have a house or when we have a baby. It's when John feels it is time. And I don't get a say in any of it. I have felt this way for a long time. And I never told John. That is my fault. I do take blame for that. I thought if I shared that any of this I was being selfish and a nag. That I would be putting undue pressure on John and then he would worry he wasn't being a good husband. Which he is and always has been. But with trying to make sure we have the best lives for us and our future children, I think we have ignored what is supposed to happening now. What we need now. I went off on how what I felt and was thinking never mattered. Because I really thought and felt this was how it had been. That John didn't trust me enough when I said that I knew this was the house for us. So that he should from now on just go house hunting without me and I will move in and deal with it.
And then a few hours later after a meal break, small naps on both sides and a wine break (I was the one drinking the wine and it was only a glass and a half) we started back up and that was when I got back on how I feel absolutely powerless in the main decisions in my life. How I hate being powerless and that is all I feel lately. So that made John start crying again and I cried again. And we both apologized for our mistakes. Mine again for not telling him and John for not seeing it and making me feel like this. And I began telling him about the house (yes the house) and why I thought it was perfect for us. Seriously and then how he had dismissed it without any real hard consideration. I asked him then to rethink it all and he said he would. I told him without knowing for sure about the flooding that we shouldn't walk away from it. We could maintain the lifestyle we have now, it's close to where we live now, everything is new in the house and it is move in ready and it is way below what we were looking for price wise. But in my anger I think I was feeling as he was dismissing the house he was dismissing me as well.
But after all this came up last night and we finally stopped crying I realized my anger had gone away and I finally felt better. And so did John. And we finally slept. Sound and deep. John had a dream that was a bit sad and he is still today a bit close to tears now and then. And so am I when I look at him. But today there is almost a fresh air blowing.
So we are going to wait to see what Gaye says about the flooding and if it is a flooder, we walk. If it is not, we take a 2nd look and see what happens. And really that was all I was asking for. Not to be dismissed or thought to be just over excitable. That's all. And today again there is a feeling of freedom. So much was said that has been needed to be said and there is an understanding that wasn't there yesterday.
So again, even if you have to start fighting again, I am glad neither one of us went to bed angry. And today we woke up realizing how lucky we really are.
No comments:
Post a Comment