Regret Is An Attainable Thing

I know I haven't blogged in a while ( A LOT going on) so I will be doing 2 entries today. This first one is one I need to get out.

There are a lot of things that are hard to come by in life. A great job, a true love, toned abs and a huge bank account. I so far have one of those things (true love) and am working on the bank account and job thing. Abs I will doubt be something I will attain and keep. But the one thing any human come come easily to is regret. I have been able to attain regret a lot lately. It seems to always be lurking around the corner, behind a decision and deep within me. Hiding somewhere I think behind my spleen and or kidneys. I think I resolve it, but then open my big mouth and say or act in a way that shows it is not completely gone.

As anyone who knows me I have a great husband, John, a man who saw beyond family issues and personal hangups to somehow become exactly what I needed and wanted in my life. He is amazing. You will never meet a kinder, smarter person than John. But I think I am making him doubt himself as a husband. I say this in the fact that we will have a tiff or if I become angry at him for some reason, he goes above and beyond to accommodate me or make me feel better. A lot of people might say this is great and why I am complaining. The thing is I don't want him to feel like he...

This is all very hard to figure out how I want to put it into words....

I don't want him to feel like he has to make up or fix any of this when it is my issue. I feel like I am breaking something inside of our marriage when I act like this. I don't say what I really want or think because I feel like I am being a nag or too needy or too picky. And I don't want to be a burden or make John do what I want to do against what he wants to really do and so then I get mad because...I just do. And then I act like a total bitchy ball n' chain asshole in front of people and to John (which is never, never, never acceptable). I always swore I would always treat John with respect and never make him feel belittled or less as a husband than what he is. Which is a spectacular husband. A spectacular friend.

So yes, these are my issues and I need to find a way to resolve them and keep them from interfering in my marriage. I feel when I look at myself I do not see joy. Not in the way I am running my life right now. Not the way I am running myself right now. I have forgotten how to go along with the flow of life I think.

So John this blog went out to you as a very, very, very sincere apology and a promise to make myself show you how much I do love you and to take a deep, deep breathe before I let myself forget what you really mean to me and to remember that you have always been and will remain there for me.