Monday, July 25, 2011

Now For The Busy Part Of Our Lives

Here is the 2nd promised blog.

We put a contract down on a house!!

Perfect right? Yes and no. We did put a contract down, which was returned at lightening speed as accepted. Which is good and bad. Good in because, yippee a house, bad as now half of the house is packed up and I am as tense as a rod of bamboo. And all in all I have taken it out I believe on one person. My husband John. Sorry honey. So yes over the last week I have felt I have been a particularly bad wife.

But now we are waiting for the old owners to approve a 2nd contract, they had things they needed to fix before we get the house appraised and if we don't get the house appraised for the correct amount the bank will not approve what we need to get the house and we will have to start looking all over again and our apartment is already 1/2 packed seen the conundrum we are in.

Kind of blows.

School starts in 4 weeks for me which I think I am nervous about as well. And the internship I hope goes well. My somewhat immediate job future kind of depends on it a bit. But again it doesn't. It's all weird and complicated. John's job also said that some of his department might get cut, but we won't know anything I think for another week or so. Which again ties into so much right now. The house and John having to find work again (Which I know he will, he is brilliant and hard working. A great combo.) Plus I do not want John to stress out about all of this. He carries so much already on his shoulders and feels like he doesn't need to worry me as well by all of it. He's a superhero without the tights and mask. My superhero.

But I guess I just don't care for all the "maybe" aspects of my life right now. I am a high strung individual who needs routine and stability to feel calm. And all of that is up in the air or packed away already in a box, I'm not sure which. Which kind of sucks because I never imagined myself as this kind of an adult. Funny and depressing how things kind of work out.

But I have to calm down, breathe and take John's hand in mine and know we will always be alright in the end as long as we remember each other. As I have told him many times, we don't break that easily.

Regret Is An Attainable Thing

I know I haven't blogged in a while ( A LOT going on) so I will be doing 2 entries today. This first one is one I need to get out.

There are a lot of things that are hard to come by in life. A great job, a true love, toned abs and a huge bank account. I so far have one of those things (true love) and am working on the bank account and job thing. Abs I will doubt be something I will attain and keep. But the one thing any human come come easily to is regret. I have been able to attain regret a lot lately. It seems to always be lurking around the corner, behind a decision and deep within me. Hiding somewhere I think behind my spleen and or kidneys. I think I resolve it, but then open my big mouth and say or act in a way that shows it is not completely gone.

As anyone who knows me I have a great husband, John, a man who saw beyond family issues and personal hangups to somehow become exactly what I needed and wanted in my life. He is amazing. You will never meet a kinder, smarter person than John. But I think I am making him doubt himself as a husband. I say this in the fact that we will have a tiff or if I become angry at him for some reason, he goes above and beyond to accommodate me or make me feel better. A lot of people might say this is great and why I am complaining. The thing is I don't want him to feel like he...

This is all very hard to figure out how I want to put it into words....

I don't want him to feel like he has to make up or fix any of this when it is my issue. I feel like I am breaking something inside of our marriage when I act like this. I don't say what I really want or think because I feel like I am being a nag or too needy or too picky. And I don't want to be a burden or make John do what I want to do against what he wants to really do and so then I get mad because...I just do. And then I act like a total bitchy ball n' chain asshole in front of people and to John (which is never, never, never acceptable). I always swore I would always treat John with respect and never make him feel belittled or less as a husband than what he is. Which is a spectacular husband. A spectacular friend.

So yes, these are my issues and I need to find a way to resolve them and keep them from interfering in my marriage. I feel when I look at myself I do not see joy. Not in the way I am running my life right now. Not the way I am running myself right now. I have forgotten how to go along with the flow of life I think.

So John this blog went out to you as a very, very, very sincere apology and a promise to make myself show you how much I do love you and to take a deep, deep breathe before I let myself forget what you really mean to me and to remember that you have always been and will remain there for me.

Monday, July 11, 2011

This blog does not even have a working title.

Okay, so other than me getting my internship nothing has happened in my or our lives. But with the intership, which is the last one I need for my degree, I was saving it for my last semester so that maybe a job offer might be made and I could jump right into the workplace. That is what I am hoping for, but who knows. But I got the internship so II do not have to worry about it for at least a month.

But other than that nothing else has really gone on. No more fighting between me and John about house hunting, but that is because we haven't had time to go out and look. But again hopefully it will not come to that. I just don't know though. It just seems as if that is the one thing that we cannot see eye to eye on.

But yes nothing else has come up. And I don't know if I should be happy about that or not. I want my life to be more exciting, but I say all the time I don't have time to do all I want to do. So should I shut up or find something to do? A hobby? Hell no not another what? I feel like there is no room in our place for me to even consider a hobby. I get after John all the time for leaving his brewing and armor gear all over. So there is no way I can bring in more stuff to take up what little room we already do not have. Maybe when we get a house, I will feel like it's time for a hobby.

So sorry world, this has turned out to be the most boring blog in the world. Ever!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The adventures of feeling blahhhhish.

So the house at Cole is out. The possibility that every time it rains is like taking a gamble on it maybe not flooding this time and maybe next time it will. Just can't deal with that. I am still really heartbroken though every time I think about those beautiful bathrooms and how every damn thing...every damn thing was new!! All I can say is if I keep this blog up, you will see tons of posting of how pissed at John I am because I can't get him to paint or buy anything new for the house. Those blogs will come I can guarantee it.

So we are back on hunt. We will be in a house this year. I know it, John has said so and I know we can do it. But I just want it to be done. I know I am only 30, but it feels like so much of my life has been spent trying to get there or here. And I just want it to already be done with. I just want to be able to feel like I've "arrived", that I finally get to just enjoy myself and...well I just feel like I am in a sucky kind of place right now.

But I did get the 2nd required internship for my degree today. It's a production assistant internship, so it's different than the one before. I will have another notch to my resume when I graduate in the fall. Plus I am making some good contacts within Emmis so maybe I will be able to get a job a little bit easier after all is said and done.

But I still feel like I am in a real sucky place. Maybe I am just in a mood and I need to eat and then go exercise a bit. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Blah. Blah.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Fighting is never something that wants to be done, but I think it is something that sometimes needs to be done

I promised I would blog about this. Not because I think it will enlighten or help anyone else avoid my pitfalls, but because I kept facebooking my feelings last night and that kept everyone wondering what the hell was going on with me and john.

Well first things first, we are okay. We completely talked everything out last night and neither one of us went to bed angry or hurt last night. That is always always important to never go to bed angry. Because if you do, resentment builds that you didn't try to fix it and you resent your spouse for not trying to fix it. So we try to never let that happen. I think even if you have to wake your spouse back up or if you even have to start the fight up again, something needs to happen so that you reach a resolve. And that John is the best man I know and I could not have asked for a better friend that I also can call my husband.

So this is how it all started: we started house hunting again. Saturday went great, no houses, but we both were on the same page about each one of the ones we looked at. At the end of the day John even thanked me for the consideration on his feelings, which was nice. I was glad I had not lost my head and fluttered about saying "we can do this, why don't you like that?" and blahblahblah. He felt great that neither one of us were ignoring how the other felt in order to get our way.

Which is one of the reasons I felt so shitty about how yesterday went.

So we went and looked at 4 houses, 1 we both liked and thought to keep in mind and 2 we both didn't and so we walked out. And 1...well I loved loved loved it. And John said he just didn't get the feeling of it being the "one". Which got me riled up. Riled up in the aspect that I just didn't understand why. That John was being difficult and not really looking at the house for it's true value. I even said to him that I wish in this one aspect I could push him into my way of thinking and just tell him that "no this is the one, we are putting a contract on it and..." and also that I was thinking "why can't he just give me one just this one time?"

So let me tell you about the house. It was a rehab. A 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. Separate living room and family room (it had the kitchen in between). It had a unfinished basement and a huge tree lined backyard. It is 129,900.00 (I kept telling everyone last night it was 120,000.00). The thing is with it being a rehab, we have seen awful ones, totally half-assed and creepy ones. This one...this one was beautiful. From the front door to the bathrooms. This place was immaculate and so well done it was amazing. I am serious, the only thing we have to do at all is repaint the three bedrooms (they were all a light yellow). So in having lived in own town home for 7 years and finding it is impossible to make John buy anything we've needed or wanted in order to spruce the place up unless I buy it for myself, I thought "yes...somewhere where we don't have to do a damn thing! I won't have to ask John for hardly anything and he'll appreciate that!".

So yes I thought this is the one, this is it, it was perfect. But John did not. And I was confused. He has given me a list of what he would like in our house: 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a full basement, huge backyard, a nice kitchen, a fireplace in the living room. So this house had every single one of these things. Every single one. And with every freaking thing in this house being new, every single damn thing, it was a cherry on top of the sundae. But he didn't think so and again I did not get it. And so the anger started to brew. And then as we were leaving, Gaye (Our agent) started to notice sporadic houses in the neighborhood going through garbage on their front lawns. Flood damaged stuff. Most likely from their basements. And then they both started talking how this house must be a flooder. And I thought "great John wins", now he has a reason to shoot me down and just not using the "feeling" aspect of it all. And that made me even angrier.

So we got home and the point of breaking soon happened. The thing is I feel like every big decision in my life is being put on hold and not by me. I don't decide when we have a house or when we have a baby. It's when John feels it is time. And I don't get a say in any of it. I have felt this way for a long time. And I never told John. That is my fault. I do take blame for that. I thought if I shared that any of this I was being selfish and a nag. That I would be putting undue pressure on John and then he would worry he wasn't being a good husband. Which he is and always has been. But with trying to make sure we have the best lives for us and our future children, I think we have ignored what is supposed to happening now. What we need now. I went off on how what I felt and was thinking never mattered. Because I really thought and felt this was how it had been. That John didn't trust me enough when I said that I knew this was the house for us. So that he should from now on just go house hunting without me and I will move in and deal with it.

And then a few hours later after a meal break, small naps on both sides and a wine break (I was the one drinking the wine and it was only a glass and a half) we started back up and that was when I got back on how I feel absolutely powerless in the main decisions in my life. How I hate being powerless and that is all I feel lately. So that made John start crying again and I cried again. And we both apologized for our mistakes. Mine again for not telling him and John for not seeing it and making me feel like this. And I began telling him about the house (yes the house) and why I thought it was perfect for us. Seriously and then how he had dismissed it without any real hard consideration. I asked him then to rethink it all and he said he would. I told him without knowing for sure about the flooding that we shouldn't walk away from it. We could maintain the lifestyle we have now, it's close to where we live now, everything is new in the house and it is move in ready and it is way below what we were looking for price wise. But in my anger I think I was feeling as he was dismissing the house he was dismissing me as well.

But after all this came up last night and we finally stopped crying I realized my anger had gone away and I finally felt better. And so did John. And we finally slept. Sound and deep. John had a dream that was a bit sad and he is still today a bit close to tears now and then. And so am I when I look at him. But today there is almost a fresh air blowing.

So we are going to wait to see what Gaye says about the flooding and if it is a flooder, we walk. If it is not, we take a 2nd look and see what happens. And really that was all I was asking for. Not to be dismissed or thought to be just over excitable. That's all. And today again there is a feeling of freedom. So much was said that has been needed to be said and there is an understanding that wasn't there yesterday.

So again, even if you have to start fighting again, I am glad neither one of us went to bed angry. And today we woke up realizing how lucky we really are.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Found money is the greatest thing ever...losing a $20 unfathomable

So yes I lost a $20 today and I became so pissed at myself. I think it was at the Starbucks in Des Peres. So if you found a $20 there, it is mine. And I want it back!!

So yesterday me, john, Eli, Mary and Robert- john's sister and brother in-law and Kayleigh, their daughter, all went to the Magic House and then to lunch. It was awesome. So much to see and do. And Eli behaved so excellently. No crying or fussing. The only time was when we a little bit overdue for lunch and a little in need for a nap.

But overall it was a great afternoon and it was great to hang out with Mary, Robert and Kayleigh. It gave me a bit of a taste on what it will one day be kind of like when we have our own kid.

But man was I exhausted, it's got to be my old age. Yikes. What will next year be like? I might have to put myself into an old age home.

But tomorrow I have the day off and we are going to go house hunting and all of our choices look great. So I am excited about it all. But I also have Sunday off and we might go look at 4 more. I don't know. But all I know is that I finally have a weekend in whilc I did not have to sign up and take off for. And no family, work or other obligations have come into play. So I am kind of looking forward to it without worrying about where I have to be and when I have to be there.

So Wednesday I have an interview (Thanks Jason Church!) for an internship as a production assistant at "The Point". I have not taken any real production classes yet (will be in the fall) and so I am going in kind of clueless but the gentlemen knows this and I told him I am willing to learn on my feet and this seems to be good enough for him. So I am excited, nervous and grateful for this chance. Plus it will give me experience that I will be able to use in the classroom, another "in" at Emmis and another chance to see all the great people and friends I made when I worked at Emmis back in '09.

So I am trying not to chew on my nails and keep my complexion clear and stress free. Awwww. Oh and I reserved the weekend for the 15th and 16th in October. But now I might have to change it due to a visit from the best uncles in the whole universe! So yes I will gladly change the dates around to make sure we get quality time with Uncle Mike and Bill. As I said, they are honestly the greatest uncles in the world.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

It's Kind Of A Funny Thing...

Right now it seems all my posts are about B&B's and our anniversary. So sorry about that. But the thing is that if you know me or anything about me you know I...LOVE...THE...FALL! I love everything about it! I love the colors, the smell in the air, the festivals, the fairs, pumpkins and apple picking and above anything else in the fall that I love, I love love love Halloween! It is my favorite holiday beyond all other holidays. There is just a wonderful nostalgic, wholesome, warm and fun feeling behind the whole season. Okay so now back to how the Fall and B&B's tie in together.

In October it will be mine and John's 5 year anniversary and I wanted to go somewhere that we could celebrate this milestone. Every year we do a "Haunted House Crawl". We start out early in the evening and head to every (almost every) haunted house in the area. We have done that for the last 4 years and we will do it again this year. But I wanted to do something in addition to it all. Just this year. And then when we hit 10 years we will do something then too. So not big big every year, but every once in a while to remind us how far we have come as a couple and individuals.

Okay, so yesterday my heart was broken for the fact that we could not go to "Irish Hollow"...the most decadent place I have ever seen or hope to one day go (maybe our 10?!). But I cannot ask John to spend that much on something like that. So I went on-line looking for something less expensive, but just as memorable. Some place that did not look like a doily and an antiques roadshow had had a drunken bender at. And some place that was affordable and things to go do and was intimate (no television, no phones). Someplace that me and John could really reconnect and feel as we did when he first asked me out. Not that we are sleeping in separate rooms or any such nonsense. But just a chance for us to be really alone with one another and Simple as that.

So I'm looking and looking and wallah! I found the complete, absolute total opposite of "Irish Hollow". The only comparisons are the beautiful surroundings and well it is in a cabin. But the cabin, well safe to say it is rustic. Rustic in the fact there is no...ready for 1)running water, 2) electricity and no....well aren't those two the most important!? I am not kidding you, there is no toilet, no electricity and no running water. There is an ancient (1950's) little gas stove in it for warmth(?), heating up your bath water and cooking. A fire pit outside, a privy (outhouse, cutely decorated though) nearby, a swing on the front porch, a cozy double bed loaded with quilts and a warm and cozy decor. And for 2 days in isolated bliss it's going to run us $200. That's it! I can do that...actually it is already saved up. And we might have to pick up some battery powered candles and a lantern or two. But other than that and some appropriate clothes for hiking we are set!

Just so no one worries too badly, there is a main house a short distance up the road for quests of the cabin to head up to and shower in a enclosed space with running water you do not have to carry up there yourself, so John is relieved about that. And toilets too I am assuming (safely).

Okay why you must be asking did I literally do a full 360 and go the route of the 1800's all of a sudden? Because I realized that after I got all squeamish about the outhouse, I realized John must think I "that" kind of woman. "That" kind of a woman meaning the kind that if her car broke down or the power went out for days in the middle of a snowstorm, that I would crawl up in a ball in a corner and not be able to take care of myself. That I am that helpless without someone to take care and shelter me. Nope I am determined to make him change his mind. So yes we are going the exact opposite route and it will be awesome.

Think about having to walk in the woods for firewood, cooking over a fire pit, sipping hot cider on the front porch. Dawn just breaking as we walk to the main house for a shower. We get bored we head into town or better yet...walk out the front door and go hiking or canoe out on the river. I'll take pictures and John will be so proud and happy we did this for ourselves. I mean how often does anyone get to have to pump their own water or build their own fire just in order to cook anymore. it is literally in the middle of woods so we will be surround by the colors of fall. It looks amazing, I think we would technically be in the middle of the Ozark mountains. I am really excited for this and like I said it's already paid for.

October cannot get here fast enough for me now.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A new B&B is to be found ASAP!

Yep, just yesterday my dream of staying at Irish Hollow in Galena, IL. was strong and vibrant in my mind. A celebration of our 5 year wedding anniversary just almost within reach....but then I called and found out what I thought would be $500 or so turned into....$1300.00!

I was in shock and disappointment in the fact that what was listed on the website may have changed because of October being one of their busiest times of year. So I then proceeded to eat my feelings of disappointment away. Chips, 2 cokes, a cheeseburger and a piece of french silk pie. Delicious but probably not the best thing. Why doesn't anyone exercise their feelings away by jazzercising instead?

So John, I am not sure if this was in a moment of pity, said that we could still go away for our anniversary. I would just need to find something a little less (gut wrenching) expensive. So I am on a mission tonight. I just have to straighten up the house a bit, work on some e-mails for work and then I will look a bit around on Internet to see what I can find. But I will be honest, I am still a bit down about IH. I have wanted to stay there since our 1st wedding anniversary. So it will be a little hard to let go of just yet.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Wedding and The Abrupt Death of $50 Dollar Shoes...

The wedding was amazing. Simple and short ceremony and a bit of a break in between. Which during this I got an amazing burger and fries and my new just bought that day $50.00 dollars shoes were ruined. A piece of trash from john's car (a granola bar wrapper- sticky granola bar) got stuck on the side and left a residue of which I am not sure how to clean got on them.
I instantly got furious at john. Which I am sure was not completely warranted. Sorry hon.
I mean they were $50 I know why I do not buy fifty dollar shoes.

But I am in pretty good spirits today. I found my lost flash drive from work under the bookcase next to my dresser. John's cat Tempe had knocked it off and under when she was playing with it. Somehow I knew she did something with it. This cat, adorable as she is, has dominated my bedroom and sometime dictates what occurs in it. Which is in itself embarrassing and really sad. But the good mood really comes from that the month of July starts in a few days which means October is getting closer and closer. And so is our 5 year wedding anniversary! Which we are celebrating by taking a few days of much needed relaxation and pampering and privacy at this great B&B in Galena, IL. I have wanted to stay in this place since our 1st wedding anniversary!! Even though I am the only one (look of miffed crossing my face right now) putting any money towards it, it has been $20 there or $50 here put aside since January). There will be a sweet sense of victory when John finds he is having a great time... Even though he has not shown any real enthusiasm yet I still think John will have a great time anyways (like I said sweet victory will be mine). Besides really when do men ever want to go to a B&B? Never, it's always done for their wives. I am not lost on this. Plus it will be just awesome to take a few days and just do exactly what we want when we want. The food is supposed to be amazing (5 star restaurant good) and the cottages in which you can stay look so beautiful and luxurious...I am so stoked. Hot cider and king beds, roaring fires and fall festivals...ahhhhh)

I was writing about a wedding wasn't I? Yikes. OK, back to point now. Haley and Tom's wedding was in a really neat glass factory and had lots to look at it when it came to items to buy that had been made there by different artists over time. But they were a definite look but not touch. It was one of the instances that if "you break you bought it" and then when you realized what you just spent on shards of glass, you would then pick up a particularly pointy one and do yourself in with it. They were that pricey. $300 for a plate or thank you! But Tom and Haley were able to make something to commemorate the occasion which was unique and neat to watch. At first we thought they were making a bottle, then a vase and then it turned out it was a bowl. It was a pretty cool bowl (it may never get used but still a cool bowl).

The DJ was the only downside to the wedding. Did not really play anything decent till the end. He did play our wedding song though (I requested he do so) and me and John danced to that before he played more crappy music. And then finally he played something that got everyone left more or less out on the floor. Now Tom and Haley are off for 2 weeks in Hawaii and I am totally jealous, but hope they have the greatest time!

Sunday I worked for only about 5 hours, but it was hard to get up! It took us so long to get home after the wedding due to the heavy raining and storming. But we did, about 3 maybe when we went to bed. But I needed the little bit of cash to keep me tided over the next week, the rink is closed next weekend, which means a weekend off in which I did not have to sign up for, it's all mine! But that also means no cash coming in...which sucks since I wasted $50 on those damnable shoes! *Sorry Honey!*

Oh well. So I will live like a hermit week this week!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Being The "DD" of the Bachelorette Party Of Haley was interesting

First things first, the party was an excellent source of great fun and great perspective as well. The party went off without a hitch, which I was so glad of. Haley is a great girl and she deserved a great time. It was me, Haley, Brittney and Jamie (her sister and best friend, which are both co-maids of honors at the wedding). So not the biggest of parties, but still fun. I think I preferred only having to wrangle 3 drunk girls instead of a whole party.

The perspective came from many sources last night. One, having to wrangle drunk girls makes me glad I mam not the hugest of drinkers. Not that any of them got out of control or got sick, it just makes me glad I am not a drinker. It is a waste of money when spent in large quantities. The second is being out and seeing people in bars is one) makes me want to loose weight to be able to have the confidence to dress a bit cuter and 2) I am soooooooo glad I am married and not out on the dating scene.

So again congrats to Haley and Tom, we are heading to their wedding tomorrow and it will be so awesome to see two more of our friends happy and with the ones they love. Plus they will be the nostalgia that comes from hearing someone else say the vows you yourself took (almost 5 years ago) as you stood in front of your family and friends. As well as the dancing and fun that will be had at the reception. So again congrats to the soon to be newlyweds and everyone else out in the world, married or not, who has found the person that makes your world go round.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A cradle list and bachelorette party

So what is a "cradle" list? Well first things first, it is not my idea, I got it from "How I Met Your Mother". I wish I did because it is a brilliant idea. It is a list of things to do before you decide to have a family. So far me and John have come up with: 1) go on a big trip just for us (which means to a place we have never been and where we don't have people to see or business to attend. A trip just for US.) 2) adopt a puppy 3) own a home....and so far that is it. I will add to my cradle list as I go on and things change. I think it is something all perspective parents should do, and even those already with one kid. I think it is still possible to do a lot of the things you wanted to accomplish or do before kids. Hell those with 12 kids should manage to do whatever it is that you need to feel fulfilled. You feel fulfilled, you would be a happier person and hence a better parent and partner to your spouse. Which is why I think we need to a few of these things before John knocks me up.

The second part of this entry is about a bachelorette party I am heading to tomorrow night. It is for my friend Haley. She is so excited to be marrying the love of her life Tom on Saturday. And we are happy to be there for it. But the bachelorette party is tomorrow night (which is an awkward night to try to plan an event it turns out). But all of her bridesmaids live out of town and so I volunteered to plan it for her (If anyone knows anything about me it is that I love to plan parties. I would plan my own baby shower one day if I could). So we are starting out with an early dinner (Eclipse), drinks (Absolutely Goosed) and ending (?) the night at the Jive and Wail (a piano bar). Who know what shenanigans we shall get up to in between it all. But I am stoked. I have bought lots of pretty things for Haley to announce she is the bride and get fawned all over with. Fawned, not manhandled. I am looking forward to it in the sense I did not have the absolute best time at my bachelorette party, even though my maid of honor Jessica tried her best and will be forever loved by all that she did for me and john during our wedding and all that lead up to it. So I will leave this person unnamed here, but half my night was spent listening to her problems about her relationship and chasing her around "Pop's" making sure she did not ruin that relationship by getting into way over her head with a stranger because she was not caring who was dragging her away into dark corners that night. I have felt that way about many events that were supposed to be mine or my night or mine and John's. So I will sure as hell protect and ensure Haley's night as best as I can. I will not be linking this to facebook just for the fact that freedom of expression is not a protected right in my family. Never has been, which is a huge shame. But again tomorrow shall be so much fun. I will be the DD and so I shall remember most of the night to be able to blog about it.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Apparently laziness did not get left in behind in my twenties...

So did I ever mention my absentee mind and resilient laziness? No. Well as you can see by my lack of blogging I am telling you the truth.

So I will play catch up with you (all the 2 people who read this) since the 15Th, I have turned 30 (I am still alive) and I woke up with a slight pang of panic but that was quickly dissolved by the receiving of birthday presents and cards. And then I spent the rest of the day by myself until I came home to John. When you have a birthday that falls in the middle of the week and you happen to have the day off, it is likely that everyone else you know is working. So I spent the day shopping and spending way too much money. I justified it by saying I was on a "Birthday High"

But I got at least 9 new things and then took out 9 old things from my closet. Out with old and in with the new. And then we went out for Indian food and to the waiting room where I pleasantly discovered you can make a shot of liquor taste like a sweet tart. Delicious!!

So I am thirty now and there is a lot that I need to do in this next year to get where I want to be in my 30's. I want to be pregnant by my 31st which means: degree, house, job and all these together equals= BABY.

I will blog about a baby way too much. John will read this and I am safely assuming panic just a bit. But I know it's not because he doesn't want to be a dad or anything like that. And I know it's not because he's afraid our lifestyle will change. It would be hard to give up our yearly visits to the riviera and my mink coat collection. But ehhh, easy peasy.
Okay back to this past week and the whole turning of the thirty thing. Saturday was my birthday party and safe to say it was the most awesome birthday I have ever had. I had a roller skating 80's themed birthday party, epic does not even begin to describe how I think it went. Some people came in costume, some did not. People mingled, visited, cut my rubix cube cake and got a Freddie Mercury poster among things for my presents. The best part though was really having my friends around. Some I have know for either or over half my life. That fact is amazing in itself.

The best costume of the night really was our friend Rob, who wore shorty shorts (he has been sworn of which to never do again) and a captain's hat. He was the generic villain from every skiing, vacation, sailing movie that was made in the 80's.

So with the dreaded 3-0 behind me the question is what to do with who I am now. I could use my turning 30 as a whole new opportunity to reinvent myself. Kind of like being forced into the witness protection program by the F.B.I. You have to move to Maine, become a librarian and are now named Sally. Nobody knows you and you can reinvent yourself as having lived a whole different life before. Interesting prospect, tempting prospect 9except the Sally name part of it). I always tell john we should run away to a city we've never been and become who we've always wanted to be before the world and all it's circumstances told us "no".
But nope, that is a no-go and we are here (not in Seattle) with the lives and names god gave us. So I am choosing to change what I can about what I can and tell the rest of it to go and suck it.

So I will end it here and try once more to promise myself I will blog everyday at least once a day.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Tomorrow is the day

So the last two nights I forgot to blog and I said I would do this everyday. I am now realizing that might be easier said than done. So I make this promise, at least three to four times a week will I keep up this blog. And the thing which makes it ridiculous is I don't think I have that much going on that I shouldn't have missed those two nights. I always say this but I never do anything about it: I have horrible time management skills.
But back to the point of this entry, I am going to be 30 tomorrow and I am now waiting for the all the texts asking if I feel "old yet" or if I need any help crossing the street. But so far nothing yet. Am slightly relieved about that.
I think the hardest part about turning 30 is that I don't really think anything (other than my marriage) about me represents someone being 30. I have never felt my age, but have never felt young. I don't look, dress or act like I'm therefore I find myself lacking the 30 "vibe".
When I was younger and I looked at the adults in my life, it seemed that when you are 30 you were supposed to have it all together. You were married, had kids, had the house and had the job. I have one of those things. I feel like my perception of who I am is not measuring up to who I thought I would be by this time.
My inner 8 year-old must be pissed off at me seriously.
But then again I think about all the things that will happen in the next 10 years and I think that makes me more worried than turning the whole 30 tomorrow. Can I become everything I need to be in the next year? Or two? Or three? I graduate in the fall and am seriously lacking any leads into my field. That worries me more than anything else. With no job leads to no house which leads to no kids (we will have kids, it's just that I want to give them such an excellent start).
At least that is my way of thinking and I know I am over thinking it all, but fear is one of the strongest emotions out there for a reason.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Sunday and breakfast for dinner

So this blog was totally given away from the title. It's Sunday and we had breakfast for dinner. It was yummy and John outdid himself with it. Plus he helped clean up the kitchen afterwards! Double bonus points! See the thing is John is a great provider and would do anything for our family. But cleanup...especially to my standards is sometimes lacking.
But now I don't have to worry about it in the morning and we also went grocery shopping after the rink today so the house is more or less ready for the week.
I have read that Sunday is the best day to do all your errands and household chores because then your family can start the week off fresh and ready for whatever the world wants to toss at you.
So this week I turn 30. T-Minus 4 days....will I panic, cry, or totally be okay and feel the fool for it all? I am not sure. I am thinking the last option will be the one I go for.
I told Nicole (the friend I nanny for) she might come home on Thursday to find me crying on the floor of her living room holding Eli and rocking back and forth. I have said this to get a laugh or two, but will some part of it actually happen? Will I look at that gloriously cute little boy and see the children we don't have yet? Maybe.
But I have said to John this is the year of children for us. I want it to be. I have been hoping as I look as the time between my 30th and my 31st as the deadline for us having a child or me being pregnant at least.
Here's hoping.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Ewwwies, jammies and boredom.

Oh what a longedy long long day....about 3:00ish all the parties at work were done coming in and no one was choosing songs I hadn't already played a 1000 times already that day, so they had to suffer through my Ipod playlist. Which I thought was awesome and like I mentioned in previous sentence they thought was lame. Screw em, my music is timeless (is 80's timeless?). But man did the day drag and I knew I was coming home to an empty house so that made it even worse.
John is at a bachelor party and I am hardly worried, it was paint ball and a pub crawl later. I heard the paintball was awesome and not as painful as John thought it might be and as some of our friends have said in the past. They are apparently are pussies. And I promised to kiss all of John's bruises and welts when he gets home. He just better not drive (which he would never) drunk or buzzed. I have threatened to kick his ass and then call his mom and let her kick his ass. Which I never have had to do and will definitely do if need be.
So here I am after a regrettable dinner of White castle cheeseburger and fries. I blew my calorie content by almost a 1000 calories. I feel all ewwwwie. I think that is a word. If not I declare it to be a word. And I feel all ewwwwie and now know I could have done something a lot lighter and different for dinner or at least had not as many burgers. Maybe just 2 instead of 5.
Yes I had 5...I love me some white castles.
So now I am blogging and sitting in my jammies and thinking I could have headed out. Done something even on my own. But it is too late to go anywhere and window shop as well as my brakes are squeaking like I am torturing small mammals under my hood. I feel like I am getting looks as I drive along like people are thinking I am some poor and idiot teenager who is too stupid to realize she needs her brake pads changed. Because I use to give looks like that. And now I feel shamed. Because it's not that I am poor or stupid. My mechanic is closed on the weekends and I am dropping the car off Monday.
So here I am in the bedroom, the "Closer" on t.v. and Tempe (John's cat) attacking my computer cord. And I am at a loss of what to do. I know there is laundry that can be done or cleaning to be done. but neh....nope. Decided against it but am wishing we had extended cable upstairs. So I shall just continue to sit here and feel lame and ewwwwie.
And so it begins. Or continues. Whatever.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Turning 30...So I am Going to Blog

So it is less than a week away from my being 30 and I thought I would be able to handle it. But like many other woman approaching 30 I was so foolish. Foolish indeed. I am looking at myself as too heavy, too unaccomplished and childless.
But as I also calm down and take a minute to look around, I realize I have a great life. I am one semester away from having my bachelor's degree, I am working at a media company (it is small and I'm not sure I will stay at it forever) and I am also a nanny for an adorable little boy (Eli). And I have a beyond amazing husband (John) that I will be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary with in October.
With all of these thoughts running through my head, I have to wonder why is there such a pressure for young(er) woman to feel like they have to have it all by the age of 30? Why the pressure to attain or feel like less of a woman or a contributing successful human being?
This next decade of my life is due to be great, no matter how I look at it. Me and John are looking for our first house right now, in the next year I plan on having my bachelor's degree and after that will open the door for children for us. Awesome. I know we are going to have gorgeous babies. Thick full headed haired babies. It makes me smile just thinking of it. And with the degree I will always be able to hold my head up high.
So with this blog will write about the house hunt (and the fighting that will follow), the last semester of school (and the crying and mass amounts of coffee that will follow) and definately my craziness for a baby ( and all the *insert emotion/verb* here). I would love if this blog became a big deal in the bloggisphere, but really maybe just an outlet if nothing else.
And I promise I will deter from above said topics to post on the mundane, the awesome and random. But that is more or less what comes out of my mouth on a daily basis so no harm/no foul.